Loving The One I Hate

I was looking at the man sitting beside me in our study room. He was quiet but hands on his works seriously. The atmosphere was calm in the cooling rainy night. I was attracted by his seriousness and felt loved by him beside. I seldom attracted by him. Then, I hold his left hand into me and rested my head on his shoulder before giving him a kiss on his cheek. His smile earned another gentle kiss on his lips.

This is the man I married for 2 years plus. He’s not very handsome but still good looking, not attractive enough which makes his sudden attractiveness precious. He’s not romantic at all but is a good husband. And he's an easy going person actually. I love this man but I hate him too. Normal or abnormal, this is how it is.

Why do I hate him?

He’s an emotional insensitive person. I got hurt by his unintentional hurtful action and words and left 'time' to solve it which I need to heal by myself. 90 percent of my words to him evaporated, sigh. He leaves germs, stains and rubbish all the time that cleanliness-is-a-major-thing me have to clean+clean+clean while mumbling to myself. Another thing that most women do not like is the husband comes home late every night and buddy with his stuff. This is a piss off! Additionally, 9 out of 10 are empty promises and often force me to do things I’m unwilling to or dislike.

Well, all these may not be big deals but the accumulation of angers is a mental torture.

But why did I married this man?

Really, I don’t know how to explain. We are attached to each other. Despite all the anger, I will put him into my decisions so does him, I still love him. Although he’s so busy most of the time he’d be beside me when I needed him. I like to share my ups with him and his appearance could always comfort me when I’m in downs. We hold each other into sleep every night. We grew our love from the beginning and we are still growing it every day. He gives me security.

We had been through a lot throughout our relationship. He told me he will not leave me in his life, I believe he won’t. He’s working hard for our living and future. He’s a responsible husband. And I’m glad I have him, fortunate to have a good husband and we love each other.

I tolerated his messiness while he tolerates my impatience and irritable attitude. We are not perfect after all! Sure there'll be disagreements/arguments in marriages. But at the end, we make each other smile.

I cannot explain the reason of marrying him nor expressing orderly. This is the man I want to hold with, this is the man I love. This is what I know, for sure. 

Do I love him? Yes I love him. Do I hate him more? Hmmm… maybe just a little… J Hate him mustn't mean shouldn't love him. 

PS: It's not us in the pictures. We seldom take pictures and I try not to make you all sad with our skills J